Thursday, February 19, 2009

Been an emotional day

This is Allison

First I want to thank Jenn for being such a special friend and "always" knowing the right thing to say to make things better. You're awesome and I love you for it!

I'll just copy the e-mail I wrote to Jenn this morning after the doctor's appointment (with a little editing). Then I'll update below that.

Well……I’m a little depressed, upset, aggravated, emotionally drained, anxious, scared, nervous, etc………….all of the above. Dr McKenzie did the ultrasound again (which I had e-mailed Barb at the beginning of the week and she said she would put Dr Hickman on there specifically). But, not a big deal. So, she said she still saw cysts, but they could be the ones from last time. She said that my lining was kind of thick, which makes her think they are producing estrogen. She said the lining last week with my estrogen being 77 was 3.5. She said the lining today was 7.4. So, she said she wasn’t very optimistic, but she said she could be wrong. I almost cried right there. Geez. She also said that one thing that was a positive for me is that from her experience, women with cyst issues always seem to respond very well to the stimming meds, but getting them suppressed was the issue. So that was encouraging to hear. I said, what can we do to get this fixed, I mean, I’m coming in every week and nothing is changing. She said, probably what they would do is double my lupron amount and hopefully that will work if the estrogen and progesterone were not low enough today. SIGH.

So, on top of that………when I got to the check out counter, normally I just hand them my sheet and they say, ok, you’re done. Well, this time, the lady said, ok, it’ll be $280.00 from last week. I said, what? She said, did you come in for a suppression check and were not able to start your meds? I said, well, I’m on the Lupron, but was unable to start the other two because I wasn’t suppressed. She said, yes, then that’s why it’s $280.00. I said, I was told all of these U/S and bloodwork was included in the lump sum amount we’ve already paid (which wasn't cheap!). She said, well it is, but if you’re unable to start your meds, that is not included. I was pissed. I mean, crap, does all that money we've already paid not count for anything? Really? I know I should just get over it, but it just put me over the edge. Then I said, so, if I’m unable to start meds again after today, today’s visit is also $280.00???? She said, yes. ERRRRRRRR. And I KNOW it’s all worth it, I totally know that. I guess it’s just everything happening, the waiting, the money, the emotions, etc. It’s now getting to me. I need to step back, breathe deeply and let it go. I know that, but it’s hard to do when you’re in the middle of it. I know you know where I’m coming from, it’s just your situations are a little different. Just like the accident with Michael’s car. I’m sure it’s hard to try to find peace in the midst of all that. I know I need to count on the Lord and let him take the burden……..please pray for me.

I called Doug after the appointment and told him about what happened and he said he was sorry and that everything will be ok. Then he said something that set me off, so I got off the phone and cried all the way to work. I should have just kept driving and went home, but I have tons to do here. Maybe it will take my mind off of it. AND just maybe, Andrea will call at lunch time today and have good news. There’s still the possibility. Please Lord.

And on top of all that, I’ve been bleeding for 11 days now. Blah!!!!

Ok, I’m done with complaining and whining. I just needed to get it out though. Sorry it had to be unleashed on you, but hopefully you have the right words to say to me, because you always seem to.

I’m trying to hide in my cubicle so no one can see the freaking alligator tears welling up in my eyes. GEEZ, I’m a mess! Today’s gonna be a long day. I think I need a drink.

Thanks for being there and hopefully this thing can get going and stop being delayed.

Ok, the update after all of that whining is that I got a voicemail during lunch today from Andrea saying that the estrogen was now elevated again, but nothing about the progesterone. She said to continue with the Lupron and come back next Thursday at 7:30. UGH. My first thoughts are, how long do we keep doing this dance?? Really.......since now it's almost $300 each time this doesn't work. I'm going to talk to Barb tomorrow and see what the deal is. I'm now wondering why they aren't increasing my Lupron. There may be a reason, but I want to know it. I need to know that something is eventually going to happen and I'm not gonna just keep coming every week to hear, your estrogen is high or your estrogen is low, but your progesterone is high. Something has to give, in my opinion.

I'm better now, but was just upset most of the day. I've now let it go and am just hoping I can get some encouraging information tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for the prayers, they are much needed and much appreciated. Sorry to rant and complain so much, I guess it's the Lupron. At least that's what I'm blaming it on. :)


heather bells said...

We all need to "rant and complain" sometimes. Don't feel bad about it~you have been through a lot and have earned the right to be upset! Hang in there. I'll be praying that you get some good news tomorrow :)

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

You don't have it easy, that's for sure. Just know we're all here pulling for you. My favorite Bible verse: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34. My prayers are with you!

Katrina said...

Oh, that must be so, so frustrating! I'm sorry for your hard day, but I'm glad you have a place to pour out all your feelings. I know I'm a complete stranger, but I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I'm praying for you!

Jennifer said...

Katrina isn't a stranger to me :) She's my buddy living in the land of snow...and love her!!!

Thank you all for your encouragement to the both of us...its tough being in the middle of so much unknown, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and not being able to reach it! God's in control, but it doesn't mean that we won't get a little frustrated along the way. Vent to your hearts content, my friend! When I'm "out to here" and having heart-burn, it'll be my turn :)